| It's easy to make fun of MS products, but it takes a real man to make them work, and a god to make them do anything useful |
Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a
research grant?
A: A mad scientist.
Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they
put on Pentiums?
A: The warning label.
Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a
Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.
Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to
Subtract as Multiply
is to:
1) Divide
2) ROUND
3) RANDOM
4) On a Pentium,
all of the above
A: Number 4.
Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and
got
585.999983605.
Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE
standards 754
and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If
you fly in aircraft
designed using a Pentium, what is the correct
pronunciation of "IEEE"?
A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!
TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
8.9999163362 It's Close Enough, We Say So
7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's
Inside
5.9999835137 Redefining the PC - and
Mathematics As Well
4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really
3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful - No
Life-Maintenance Devices
Should
Be Used With This Processor
2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It
*Floating* Point?
1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
And the 0.9999999998th Slogan Is...
The Errata Inside
Assembler programs are written with short abbreviations called
MNEMONICS, in other words instead of writing GOTO, the programmer
writes JMP or even BRA (branch). These instructions are frequently
abbreviated into total incomprehensibility. Of course, we all know
that abbreviations are arbitrary. Anyone who has spent any time
programming in assembler knows that all computers can be
programmed using an undocumented set of instructions. Frequently
when an error is made writing a program in assembler a user can
actually see the program executing the undocumented instructions.
These instructions vary from machine to machine, but all computers
have a certain set of them in common. As a service to humanity, I
am here revealing these common instructions for the first time.
| Mnemonic |
Instruction does |
| ARG |
Agree to Run Garbage |
| BDM |
Branch and Destroy Memory |
| CMN |
Convert to Mayan Numerals |
| DDS |
Damage Disk and Stop |
| EMR |
Emit Microwave Radiation |
| ETO |
Emulate Toaster Oven |
| FSE |
Fake Serious Error |
| GSI |
Garble Subsequent Instructions |
| GQS |
Go Quarter Speed |
| HEM |
Hide Evidence of Malfunction |
| IDD |
Inhale Dust and Die |
| IKI |
Ignore Keyboard Input |
| IMU |
Irradiate and Mutate User |
| JPF |
Jam Paper Feed |
| JUM |
Jeer at Users Mistake |
| KFP |
Kindle Fire in Printer |
| LNM |
Launch Nuclear Missiles |
| MAW |
Make Aggravating Whine |
| NNI |
Neglect Next Instruction |
| OBU |
Overheat and Burn if Unattended |
| PNG |
Pass Noxious Gas |
| QWF |
Quit Working Forever |
| QVC |
Question Valid Command |
| RWD |
Read Wrong Device |
| SCE |
Simulate Correct Execution |
| SDJ |
Send Data to Japan |
| TTC |
Tangle Tape and Crash |
| UBC |
Use Bad Chip |
| VDP |
Violate Design Parameters |
| VMB |
Verify and Make Bad |
| WAF |
Warn After Fact |
| XID |
eXchange Instruction with Data |
| YII |
Yield to Irresistible Impulse |
| ZAM |
Zero All Memory |
| PI |
Punch Invalid |
| POPI |
Punch Operator Immediately |
| RASC |
Read And Shred Card |
| RPM |
Read Programmers Mind |
| RSSC |
Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved
accuracy) |
| RTAB |
Rewind Tape and Break |
| RWDSK |
ReWind DiSK |
| SPSW |
Scramble Program Status Word |
| SRSD |
Seek Record and Scar Disk |
| WBT |
Water Binary Tree |
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| He had followed a bad road for a while | Han blev forlovet med en baderotte fra Fårevejle |
| He was the lucky owner of a handkerchief |
Han var lukket inde i ovnen på et hangarskib |
| Somewhere a voice was calling | Sommervejr i Vojens og Kolding |
| It was long ago in the deep south | Der var langt at gå i den dybe sovs |
| How did you sleep in the far west | Hvordan sidder slipset i din fars vest |
| He went peacefully round the corner | Han gik pissefuld rundt i kornet |
| He did not know the composer, but it was certainly not Cole Porter | Han vidste ikke hvad de kom i poserne, men det var sandelig ikke kolde porter |
| My father is nice | Min far er nisse |
| To be or not to be that's the question | To bier og nok en bi fløj sammen, den ene blev kvæstet |
| He went up and down the staircase | Han vendte op og ned på stærekassen |
Fader vor, du som er i datamaten.
Helliget vorde dit operativsystem,
komme dit flerbrugersystem,
ske din vilje som på skærmen
således også på printeren,
Led os ikke i systemfejl,
men fri os fra de lange svartider.
Giv os i dag vor daglige udskrift,
og tilgiv os vore tastefejl,
selv om vi aldrig tilgiver nogen programfejl.
Thi dit er systemet,
og magten over personalet
i evighed
(ENTER)
Page created by: Sune E. M. Andersen ?. Last updated: 2023-09-06